This is Friday Feels from Feeling Phine. The last post in this series, about a wild trip to Costco, can be found right here. Thanks for reading! x
Hello you,
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!
Friday Feels is coming to you late on a Sunday night this week… or full-on Monday, for my pals in Europe and Asia.
In honor of the most (commercially) romantic day of the year, I’ve compiled the most unromantic dating advice I’ve received from family, friends, and one colleague, who at the time was essentially a stranger.
It’s important to note that all the below advice was furnished by individuals aged 49 and over. While some of it might seem clinical, bordering on cruel, I can assure you that it's all characterized by the wisdom of a certain age.
x Joséphine
My new colleague said the word “dating” comes from the word “data'' and that the act of dating means collecting data about a new person. This was news to me, but made so much sense. I was hooked. I didn’t even fact check.
She proceeded to drop some more (highly theoretical) knowledge. Apparently the consumption of oral birth control has been messing with our natural pheromones, which in turn has led to many ladies choosing the wrong mate. Per my colleague, the pill has innately interfered with normal heterosexual attraction; people are drawn to partners who aren’t naturally suited to them. Once they get off birth control and start, well, mating, that’s when the problems ensue.
Dating without hormonal birth control is better, she continued, as it ensures our decision making isn’t impaired.
With her theory in mind, I reflected on the poor romantic decisions I’d made throughout my twenties, and subsequently felt a wave of relief crash over me. Those silly artificial hormones had been ruthlessly manipulating me! It wasn’t my fault! My picker wasn’t off! Then I remembered I’d quit the pill at 24. The temporary relief supplied by this scapegoat drained away; the hormones had not been operating the hot mess express. It was me. All me. Choo choo!
When I found myself apprehensive about a date with a chef, Maman quickly set me straight. “Go with him. He can cook! You cannot! Zis is simple.” Prior to this suitor’s appearance, I hadn’t known my mom was so concerned with my nutritional needs. “Joséphine, you do not want to be hungry. You must think about zese things in a straight way.”
I was tempted to mention I’d managed to survive all these years without starving… but sometimes it’s simply easier not to argue. I swallowed my retort and left the room.
Per my godfather, if it’s mid-December, and you find yourself dating someone with whom you don’t foresee a long term relationship, you have to pull the plug before Christmas.
“Wait… what?” My naiveté only saw the positives to a budding end-of-year romance. If you're uncertain about someone, I thought, why not allow the magic of the holidays to potentially enhance your emotions? Christmas is THE most romantic time of year! Love Actually IS, all around!
Not if you’re my godfather. “You’ll end up having to buy Christmas presents for someone you don’t even like that much! Then what? You’re stuck with them ‘til Valentine’s Day? Cut it off!”
-1 for Cupid. +1 for Scrooge.
“I can get ‘em both, I don’t wanna choose” crooned Cardi B in Bodak Yellow. My aunt gave me similar advice back when I was torn between two potential suitors. “Why do you have to pick one? See them both!” Apparently in early-stage dating this is a normal thing to do. An admittedly crappy multitasker, I can’t even text while watching TV. I don’t know how she expected me to date two dudes at once.
“You have to be efficient. Plan your dates on the same day. Get a nice dress that you can wear for brunch in the daytime. Then add some lipstick and heels for the next date at night.” This all sounded very ambitious to me. I pondered over whether this was possible, then remembered my introverted self gets tired after a 1.5 hour lunch with friends.
No such plan has been executed to date.
My good friend Frankie has been married for twenty-five years. Last year when I solicited him for advice about a new flame, he suggested taking it slow. Very slow. In short, he advised me to adhere to celibacy if I was serious about getting to know this person. Sex, he said, can muddle our thoughts, and influence our opinions beyond actual compatibility. Back when he met his future wife, he’d sworn off his rock and roller ways and was temporarily celibate. He got to know her cerebrally, and fell in love with her personality, which in turn led to a happy marriage.
Frankie concluded our one-on-one TED talk with a call to (in)action. “Keep the cookies to yourself.” This wouldn’t pose a problem for me. The cookies had very much been kept to myself since a pandemic had swept the globe; a desert accustomed to drought no longer thirsts for water.
He left me with one last droplet of wisdom. “When you’re ready to get it on, don’t fuck it up by wearing bad underwear.” Duly noted.
There’s one piece of advice that shines above the rest, sparkling in its sincerity. After I sent out a Friday Feels about love letters last fall, a sweet friend of mine wrote to me: “Please hang in there and keep believing in romance and love. The Universe has its plan for you.”
I believe this to be true. After years of trying to exert control over romantic situations, and making myself sick by over-thinking every possible factor and outcome, I have now found relief in adopting a sense of stoicism. Whatever happens, will happen. The only thing I can truly control is my own reaction.
That being said, I still put my best foot forward. Whenever The One (or A One… or SomeOne Suitable) presents themselves, I’m ready. I exclusively wear great underwear every day of the week.
Speaking of fins…… Footballphine is BACK with some updates!
First, fins. I went to the NFL Experience in DTLA earlier this week, and had the great pleasure of meeting Left Shark:
If you don’t remember Left Shark, click here to relieve their iconic halftime performance.
Next up: WHOSE HOUSE?!?! Congrats to the LA Rams on the Super Bowl title!! What a game, what a season. Also, congrats to my guy Cooper Kupp for being named Super Bowl MVP!!
Right, well, that’s all from my inner football fangirl. Until next season…
Signing off, Lovesephine wishes you a very Happy V Day!