Welcome back to Fantasy Phineball. Here’s my recap of weeks 2 and 3. To view my last post from this series you can click here. If you’re new and are curious as to why I’m Fantasy-ing (or is it Fantasizing?) - you can check out my introduction here.
And… HIKE!
WEEK TWO
I was nervous going into the second week as I was up against Ashlee’s Awesome Team. According to Xiang, Ashlee’s team was STACKED. (Side note: most of the team names in our league, mine included, have been auto-generated by Yahoo Fantasy, hence the ~conventionality~ of them all. I’m working on improving mine asap.)
Prior to Xiang’s assessment, I personally caught wind that Ashlee was serious about Fantasy on Draft Day. While we were all joking and wondering whether to have our cameras on in the Draft chatroom, she told us she wouldn’t partake. “I need to focus.” Her sensibility identified her as a serious contender. For the readers actually invested in football, Ashlee’s roster includes : Dak Prescott / A Kamara / D Montgomery / KELCE!
My team got off to a bad start. One of my WR’s, Jarvis Landry, hurt his knee on Thursday night’s game against the Houston Texans. My phone blew up with notifications filled with bad news. Two silver linings here: 1) I learned Texas has more than one football team. 2) While investigating what had happened to Landry, I discovered an exciting feature of the Fantasy app: the comments section. With news of this injury, Fantasy players flooded the section with opinions, questions, and general shit talk.
While I was bummed out by the Landry news, some of these dudes were absolutely gutted. Reading through the comments I felt vindicated in my theory that sports are a space in which straight men allow themselves to fully emote. The feelings flooding the comments were crazier than those in any astrology video I’d ever seen, including ominous retrograde videos. It was shocking how many of these guys were taking it poorly. One level-headed individual, Eddie, summed it up well here:
After the Landry drama, I was projected to lose, however Ashlee’s team unexpectedly underperformed. Our match odds slowly inched closer and closer to 50/50. It all came down to KELCE, who was playing in the Sunday night prime time spot.
I watched this crucial game live; while I still had no clue about the rules, I could appreciate his crazy athleticism. He exceeded his projected point value, but it ultimately wasn’t enough to put her over the edge. We (meaning, me n’ my boys, because there’s no “I” in team) scraped by with another unexpected win!!
WEEK THREE
This past week I was projected to win against Krystal’s team. I was a shoe-in, exceeding her potential score projection by a whopping 25 points. All was well until I got the notification: my precious CMC was injured. Similar to the Avatar, “when the world needed him most - he vanished” ...from the field. THE golden RB and #1 Fantasy pick suffered a hamstring injury during Thursday night’s game. (Side note - I’m unfortunately starting to see a trend here with Thursdays being my unlucky game days.)(*knock on wood*)
In light of the bad news, I flew to my new fav place: the comments section. There were a whopping forty-three thousand comments on Christian’s page. I only had enough time to scroll through the most recent hundred, and found that the commentary mostly consisted of
Disappointed fans:
Jeering haters:
…including some who admittedly made me laugh. Especially:
Finally I found a single, much appreciated, positive ray of light:
I initially loved the comments section; it provided a colorful lens through which I could assess and understand my players’ standings. After this particular scroll session my opinion changed though - I felt weird about the dehumanization and objectification of the players. It’s alarming how quickly the Fantasy set-up can lead us to think about, and talk about, our players in a manner more akin to chess pieces than actual humans.
My inner cancer (astrology! again!) spent a good chunk of Thursday ruminating that we should have more empathy for these players. We should see them as actual individuals, with aspirations and livelihoods, and should hope for their well being upon news of injury, rather than make jokes and tear them down.
I was snapped out of this reverie by some friends who highlighted that the players are paid millions of dollars a year, and that injuries are simply an accepted occupational hazard. No one is forcing them to play, they pointed out. I concluded that I’m just a bit sensitive and am still adjusting to the violence of it all. Prior to this, the last organized sport I’d watched was volleyball, where the biggest injury was falling. Or taking a ball to the face.1 Reality dictates that snarky commentary is part of any online game; I should have been less surprised that it's ubiquitous in Fantasy too.
Anyway... my team lost this week. But as I live a life of positivity and love, and choose not dwell on the ~negative~, instead of moping I’ll dive into my highlight this week which was the prime time game on Sunday: the SF 49ers against the Green Bay Packers. I was into this game before it even started, as I’ve been familiar with Aaron Rodgers ever since he dated Olivia Munn. I stan ever harder now that he is engaged to eco-queen Shailene Woodley.
In compliance with Californian solidarity, I should have been rooting for the 49ers, however, I oddly found myself wanting Green Bay to win. With his pepper sprinkled beard and long hair, Rodgers was hotter than ever. I just wanted to see this rugged man victorious.
I also loved that the Green Bay supporters in the stands had blocks of cheese on their head. Never in my life did I think I’d want to wear a piece of football regalia, but the cheese hat may or may not be sitting in my cart as I type. $24.95…? A worthy investment, methinks.
The last few minutes of that game were the most exciting football I’d ever seen. Even as a newb watcher, my heart rate increased. SF was leading by ONE SINGLE POINT. Green Bay overtook them with Crosby’s game-winning kick2 in the LAST THREE SECONDS of the game. It was truly epic.
During the post-game interview Rodgers’ surly game-face was replaced with a glowy grin. After praising his teammate who launched the winning kick, he rhetorically asked the interviewer (and audience, and universe, and me), “How could you not be romantic about football?”
As he shook his shaggy head and smiled, a small, but unmistakable butterfly fluttered in my stomach. In that moment I did indeed feel some football-related romance.
TO SUMMARIZE: Secured one dub, suffered one L, making me 2 - 1 this season. My current league ranking dropped from 3 to 4 (out of 10). It’s still early days though and I’m ready for a comeback next week! In the meantime, some newfound knowledge…
What I Know About American Football (So Far)
Tom Brady is a sponsor for Subway. As you guys know, I support Mr. Brady, but I find this dishonest because he supposedly DOES NOT EAT BREAD. My friend has done the research.
Brady & Gronkowski are BFFs. Or at least, appear as such for T-Mobile ads.
There is a Wide Receiver on the Kansas Chiefs named Pringle. I wonder if, during the unattached moments in his life, his friends have ever called him the Single Pringle.
CORRECTION in the murder case rumor I mentioned in the last letter - this turned out to be unfounded. I’m relieved it’s not true. Also, I’d like to highlight that this rumor escalating to news level is proof that men circulate unruly gossip just as much as, if not more than, women.
Lastly, some housekeeping: I touched upon this earlier, but my friend Steven advised that serious Fantasy folks try to name their team something punny, and referential to their players, so I’m currently brainstorming a new team name. Frontrunners include:
It’s Brady B*tch
Waller. Amassing. Points.
Simp 4 Sutton
If you have any preferences, or other suggestions, send them through!
Thanks for reading.
x Joséphine
Interestingly, both of the aforementioned are varied hazards of dating as a straight woman.
Worth the watch!!
another hilarious and amazing read. The comment section for fantasy is my favorite.
I second It’s Brady B*tch 😂