FOOTBALL: The Season Phinale
Fantasy Phineball: The End!!! Plus, I'm dishing out awards to celebrate
This is the final chapter of the Fantasy Phineball series from Feeling Phine. ICYMI, the previous post is right here. Thanks all, for joining me on this #journey! x
Hello you,
I hope your year is off to a fine start!
Here we are at the end of the Fantasy Football season. I can’t believe seventeen weeks went by so quickly?! The thing about this Covid era is that time simply seems to be flying. Or maybe that’s just a side effect of getting older. Okay, before I get too melancholy and/or existential, let’s steer this back to football.
So, after all my research, all the late night waivers, all the scolding I mean, coaching from Xiang, did Team MéNajee Trois make it to the playoffs?
In fact, we did not. Womp womp.
We ended up finishing right in the middle of the pack, 5th place in the league. Not bad, for my first ever Fantasy bracket! Not great, either! I’m trying to recollect an inspirational quote exemplifying the themes of effort, or perseverance, in order to add a bit of spirit to this letter. Truthfully the only quote that comes to mind is from Talladega Nights: “If you ain’t first, you’re last.”
Speaking of first place, and winners - a very big congratulations to BIANCA, who won our league cup! If you recall, Bianca was famously M.I.A. during Draft Day, and her team was auto-drafted by the Yahoo bots. Thanks to excellent team management, strategic waiver submissions, and maybe partially thanks to a fantastic team name (the Mud Dogs!) she came out on top. Bianca also exhibited her lovely, compassionate nature when she announced that she’d be donating all her winnings to a non-profit in Peru, which helps indigenous families by providing them with micro-loans to start businesses within their communities. HATS OFF TO BIANCA!
An honorable congratulations is also due to Ashlee, who came in second place! Her team has been absolutely stacked from the start. I have nothing but respect for Ashlee’s Awesome Team - she is by far the most football savvy within the OC branch of the Lady Turnups League. NICELY DONE ASHLEE!
So now that this season is all said and done, I couldn’t help but wonder: what DID I learn about football over the last four months?
Well, I learned the mechanics of how a team works, including every position and what they do, as well as the rules of the game. The most shocking revelation to me by far was that of week four, when I learned that the Defensive and Offensive teams within one football team operate separately, and don’t play on the field at the same time…! How far I’ve come!
Rather than list everything else I’ve learned (my knowledge is basically encyclopedic now, and I’m not sure substack could host such a long newsletter) I’ve decided to end on a fun note with the PHINEBALL AWARDS. Note, these categories and winners do not apply solely to my team, but to all teams, and individual NFL players. Let’s go!
THE 2021 PHINEBALL AWARDS
Best Team Colors: Miami Dolphins. Teal and bright orange are the exact vibe I’d expect from a Miami team. They’re really leaning into the spirit of the city, and for that, recognition is deserved!
Team MéNajee Trois MVP: Najee, obviously! But he’s also tied with Tom Brady, my reliable golden guy. (The team was originally called It’s Brady B*tch.)
Most Likely To Become A Real Life Pirate: Derek Carr. That eyeliner tho. He clearly watched Pirates of the Caribbean many times throughout his youth.
Most Thrilling Game: Obviously the Rams vs Seahawks, live at SoFi. But the best one to watch on TV was early in the season, Green Bay vs 49ers. The last two minutes of that game were the most exciting football I’ve seen all season.
Best Name: Cooper Kupp. It’s just so damn catchy. (Side note: What. A. Beard!)
Most Underrated Position: Kicker. There are so many talented cuties in this category (Gano, Zuerlain, BLANKENSHIP) and yet they get little to no discussion or love, because they aren’t on the field as often as the other players. It’s important to recognize that these guys can make or break a game, and sometimes bring in THE winning point for a team. JUSTICE FOR KICKERS.
Longest Ongoing NFL Crush: Justin Herbert, the hunky Chargers QB. C'est lui pour moi!!! Generally I’m not into blondes, but something about his long surfer bro locks, shy smile, and deep voice got me (continually) feeling some kind of way. Perhaps I would risk it all for a wholesome Americana future with him, in which I wear Patagonia, own an outdoor barbecue, and get a “Chargers Family” plaque for the front door of our four bedroom house. (Justin, if you ever read this and are even mildly intrigued by the idea of a Eurasian woman cooking you crêpes… message me.)
Best Fantasy League: The Lady Turnups. WHO ELSE?
Alright well that’s it for me and recapping football. I’ll continue to watch at leisure, for pleasure, and of course, to cheer for my boys! We’ll always have… MéNajee Trois.
For the last time,
x Footballphine